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Subject: "Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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flamesbelow
Member since Dec-19-08
48 posts
Jun-03-09, 03:51 PM (CST)
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"Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
 
   Just thought I'd share a bit of what I'm going through. At this point, I'm extremely commitment-phobic and still coming to terms with having HSV-2 (gential). I have sworn to be celibate for a year to give myself time to adjust, and I'm halfway through that vow now.

It's not that I'm unattractive, and I do get a lot of interest from others on the romantic front. I've always had to turn down all offers or remained aloof. I have really mixed feelings about having a relationship - quite possibly leaning toward becoming a spinister auntie (but a cool one nevertheless!), and wonder if anyone has worked through this deal. How did you accept that you have herpes and finally felt okay to date other people, much less having sex? Do you feel you have to settle for someone who is accepting of your HSV status but didn't make you hear fireworks?

I'm not articulating myself well, but I don't have bad intentions behind this post to offend people who are in healthy and wonderful relationships or are currently looking.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? silverchick Jun-03-09 1
     RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? redbedhead Jun-04-09 2
         RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? auntiejessiadmin Jun-04-09 3
             RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? Cheek99 Jun-04-09 4
                 RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? flamesbelow Jun-06-09 5
                     RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? auntiejessiadmin Jun-06-09 7
                         RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? flamesbelow Jun-10-09 9
     RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? Raven00144 Jun-06-09 8
         RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? flamesbelow Jun-10-09 10
             RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? flamesbelow Jun-10-09 11
  RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? TheGirlNextDoor Jul-18-09 12
     RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? auntiejessiadmin Jul-18-09 13
  RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships? starrattadmin Jul-19-09 14

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silverchick
Member since May-17-09
258 posts
Jun-03-09, 05:06 PM (CST)
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1. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #0
 
   I know the feeling. I'm an attractive girl and the thought does go through my head. I'm recently diagnosed and really unsure about the whole dating front. One of the biggest issues I have is, how could I ever ask someone to take a chance that I'm not sure I myself would have been willing to take before I got herpes? I mean, I tell myself the risks are so low, it's not that big of a deal, yet...here I've got it and I've been there, I know it was a miserable primary ob...it is a big deal, how could I ask someone else to go through that?

But at the same time, I think part of my healing process is well...dating. I signed up for positivesingles.com a week or so ago. I signed up for a month and figured I'd see how it went. No expectations.

I had my first date this past week. I didn't feel like there was really any chemistry, so I didn't opt for a second date, but it was a date and it makes me feel pseudo-normal. I am dating. I know that I'm not restricted to dating sites like this, but for the time being, I think that's what I'm comfortable with.

Anyhow, I think if anything HSV has made me more picky. I used to be more willing to have some fun, just settle, see where things went, etc. Now I've got to admit it's a screening process. I know that if I'm going to put myself out there and the time comes that I need to tell someone, that person better be damn worth it.

I don't want to say that my options are limited, but I'm picky and I'm not willing to settle. If I'm going to be with anyone there will be fireworks and unfortunately, they'll have to be accepting. At this point it is what it is.

"What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good."
- Garden State

The first person w/o HSV that I date and tell is going to be unbelievably incredible, period. He may say no, he's not willing to take the risk, it may hurt like hell, but you know what? It will be his choice, because I didn't get that choice.

Now is there a possibility I might be some spinster auntie...absolutely, but you know I'm with you on that...I will be a damn cool one!


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redbedhead
Member since Feb-12-09
145 posts
Jun-04-09, 09:07 AM (CST)
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2. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #1
 
   It's not realistic to say you'll be celibate the rest of your life because of herpes.

At the very least, you could always find somebody on craigslist to screw if you need to get laid. It would take all of about 5 minutes to place an ad saying you were looking for hot sex with a person who was understanding about HSV. You'll probably get more responses than you know what to do with.

Celibacy just doesn't have to be part of your reality.


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Jun-04-09, 01:26 PM (CST)
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3. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #2
 
There are also TONS of dating sites for people with herpes if you want to try that.

Its ok to take time off from dating to work through whatever issues you have, but it doesn't need to be a lifelong thing.

Aj

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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Cheek99
Member since Sep-1-08
204 posts
Jun-04-09, 05:59 PM (CST)
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4. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #3
 
   It's ok to be cool but you're being too cool!

I think herpes is not like you have a disability that prevents you from doing something. Treating it as such is irrational.
Herpes is not preventing you from having a fulfilling sex life. Why are you preventing yourself?

Other things to think about:
The chances of you coming across a genital herpes-posiitve person if you date are quite high and as far as herpes-positive genital or oral, well that's the majority of people out there.
I wouldn't recommend going on craigslist to find a random date, just my opinion. There are sites for herpes-positive people. Also, you don't know what other std's or health issues this person might have knowingly or unknowingly.
But the idea that you are going to be celibate because of herpes? No way, I think you're overreacting. You took a year off from dating; that's great. Now get back on it.


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flamesbelow
Member since Dec-19-08
48 posts
Jun-06-09, 01:18 AM (CST)
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5. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #4
 
   I did try HSV positive dating site, but one guy's profile spooked the hell out of me.. he was being very vindicative and said he is an asshole and gave some unsuspecting girl herpes on purpose.

What if I dated somebody and that person didnt know or lied about his STD status? I can't handle more than herpes I guess.. and am feeling like I can't trust people these days.. after all, I trusted the guy that gave me herpes.

Maybe I won't be celibate forever, but I think I have a serious trust issue to work through regarding sex hence the year long vow of celibacy and I don't know how to normalize that.


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Jun-06-09, 07:34 AM (CST)
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7. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #5
 
Well, there are freaky men like that on every kind of dating site. Check out any of them, and you'll find mommy haters, ex haters, daddy haters, etc etc.

Well, the easy way to determine std status is to test. Make it a rule that both you and your partners test, and get copies of the tests. Its not all about trust - its part of being sexually responsible. That's my rule, and no one has ever balked at it. I figure if they won't test, they are hiding something, and I walk away. Even a guy with a big fear of needles can suck it up for health reasons.

But take the time to work through the issues. Nothing wrong with that. Don't hesitate to seek counseling if you need it. There just isn't any reason to make a lifelong celibacy vow for this, ya know?

Aj

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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flamesbelow
Member since Dec-19-08
48 posts
Jun-10-09, 08:05 PM (CST)
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9. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #7
 
   Aj, yeah, can't be too careful these days!

I came to the realization i do WANT a relationship. I feel inspired by this site that this is possible. I guess I just am punishing myself for making poor choices in the past that led me to being HSV positive. It doesn't make me a bad person, eh.

All peeps look at me is that I'm pretty distant and choosy, and that's fine with me. That's the reality I have to live with, but it is very different from what I want.

I learned from this site that I don't owe anybody an explanation, but I can be picky and ask 'em about their stance on STDs. But I'm always glad to hear feedback anytime here.


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2375 posts
Jun-06-09, 11:37 AM (CST)
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8. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #6
 
   I have not purposely sworn off relationships or remained celibate, but it has happened.

I have been in long term relationships for most of my adult life. Many of these were leading towards marriage but ended due to things other than my HSV status. In fact, I was engaged to two men that also have HSVII.

It is just that casual sex is not my style and dating is hard with or without HSV. I had been in an on/off relationship for the last 7 years that I put a stop to not long ago because it was not leading anywhere. Since I broke it off, this is the longest time that I have been single since I was old enough to date. The older I get the smaller the dating pool gets. I still will not give up the hope that there is someone out there for me.

I do have a couple of exes that are like f-buddies that take care of my physical needs from time to time, but I am still left empty because they just cannot meet my emotional needs too.

Raven00144


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flamesbelow
Member since Dec-19-08
48 posts
Jun-10-09, 08:06 PM (CST)
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10. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #8
 
   Raven, only I have my hand as my f-buddy :-p But I met someone earlier at work that I'm really attracted to, and am seriously considering giving him my number. I know he wouldnt mind...

I really am inspired by you and many others here. Thank you.


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flamesbelow
Member since Dec-19-08
48 posts
Jun-10-09, 08:09 PM (CST)
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11. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #10
 
   I do wanna be with someone.. I guess I'm just kidding myself about not needing anyone :-/


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TheGirlNextDoor
Member since May-1-06
85 posts
Jul-18-09, 01:20 PM (CST)
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12. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #0
 
   I just have a quick question. How do you get copies of your STD test? After I got herpes, I got tested for everything else too, but I never got a paper copy. A nurse just called me on the phone to tell me the results. I don't really need it because I'm in a monogamous relationship, but I'm curious. Sometimes I think my boyfriend should get tested, but then again, he and his ex-girlfriend lost their virginity to each other and he's only slept with her and me, so if that's the case he couldn't have anything other than my herpes, right?

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
-William Shakespeare


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Jul-18-09, 02:32 PM (CST)
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13. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #12
 
Call your doctor and ask for copies of all lab work. It's never a bad idea to have copies of that stuff anyway.

If your man was only with his ex, and she only with him - even oral sex - then there is no risk.

AJ

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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starrattadmin
Charter Member
2012 posts
Jul-19-09, 00:00 AM (CST)
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14. "RE: Has anyone remained celibate or sworn off relationships?"
In response to message #0
 
I don't think taking a break from dating is a bad thing, so long as you don't make it a life-long thing. Taking time to regroup your thoughts and feelings can be constructive. I don't think a year is necessarily excessive if you use the time to become more comfortable in your own skin.

I can remember on one of the non-herpes dating sites I allowed myself to get sucked into a chat debate with some guy who read my profile and presumed I was looking for a man to pay-off my student loan (I had posted openly about being a mature full-time student). He then accused me of lying when I replied I had no student loan. I didn't know this guy from Adam. Needless to point out I finally hit the ignore option with the twit.

So yes, there are weirdos on all sites.

There are also lots of well meaning individuals with whom you may/may not click, but you won't know that until you meet them.

Whether or not you have herpes, forming a relationship with someone is a terrifying prospect in some ways. However, in any relationship there comes a point when you start putting trust to the test. Having "the talk" is one of those points for those of us who have herpes. However, it is also an opportunity for you to display character and integrity by being up front with another person.

Good luck with everything.

Be well,
Lorraine

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikaans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)


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